As I prepared to relocate to a new city for the fifth time in eight years for a new job opportunity, I had a coffee with a friend. He asked whether I envisioned this move as a long-term commitment or if I would likely pursue a higher-ranked position elsewhere. My immediate response was that I definitely saw myself moving again. He shared a similar view, saying he was always striving for more and pursuing continuous advancement. His conclusion was that we would likely never be happy, as we were always focusing on the future and reaching new goals instead of feeling content with what we had, in the present.
That conversation stayed with me for a long time. Why was I already wanting to move from a place before I even got there? Was it simply how I was wired? After all, some people love to explore, travel the world, have multiple careers, while others are happy staying where they grew up and remain in the same job for years. But I wondered if there wasn’t more to it - was I making these choices because I really wanted them or did I feel like it was what was expected of me: to always go after the next bigger, better, opportunity? And was I ruining my chances at happiness?
With the proliferation of life and career coaches, productivity tools, flashy job titles on LinkedIn, and influencers across all facets of life, we face constant pressure to achieve unattainable perfection by constantly upgrading our lives and careers, all while balancing family, friendships, side hustles, hobbies, exercising, the list is endless. We get entangled in the relentless pursuit of more, making us feel never enough and leaving us unable to make sense of what this perfection quest is for.
In today’s newsletter, we will explore the various types of perfectionism, their impact on our work-life and how we can slowly reframe our mindset.
Let’s dive in!
Perfection Types and Manifestation
I don’t recall a specific event that instilled in me this idea that I had to be perfect, but growing up as a first-born girl in a country with a rigid school system, I internalized early on the importance of excelling and setting high standards for myself. The pressure to perform academically in a system that predetermined your future career opportunities before the age of 12 instilled a sense of perfectionism that influenced my approach to work.
Diving into the topic of perfection, I read “The Perfection Trap” by Thomas Curran and learned about the three different forms of perfectionism:
self-oriented, where you set high standards for yourself
socially prescribed, where you believe that society expects perfection from you
other-oriented, where you expect perfection from others
These forms often intertwine, with self-oriented and socially prescribed perfectionism showing an upward trend in today's society, exacerbated by the constant exposure to picture-perfect lifestyles on social media. We feel compelled to set rigorous standards for ourselves in line with societal ideals of success and happiness.
Perfectionism directly speaks to our most basic anxieties: fear of judgment, fear of rejection, fear of failure. At work, it manifests itself in various ways, often revealing symptoms such as excessive self-criticism, difficulty delegating tasks, fear of negative feedback, procrastination, decreased productivity, increased stress level, job dissatisfaction.
Perfectionism often stems from the fear of failure. We tie our self-worth to outcomes, causing intense self-consciousness and a tendency to withhold effort to avoid failure, which can hinder performance. This lead to procrastination or avoidance on taking new projects or tasks we feel uncertain about; instead of trying and risking imperfection, we choose to stay in our comfort zone and engage in tasks that we already master. This is especially prevalent in women, who have a tendency to not apply for jobs unless they feel fully qualified and to ask for raises less often than men. In his book “Think Again”, Adam Grant urges us to think more like scientists, who are so keen not to get it wrong in the long term that they are prepared to stumble and make mistakes in the short term.
Another common manifestation of perfectionism is the fear of rejection, which drives perfectionists to anticipate others' criticism and avoid situations where they might face judgment. This fear undermines confidence and hinders professional growth, such as in situations where individuals avoid taking risks and are reluctant to ask for feedback.
Additionally, the fear of judgement contributes to feelings of insecurity and self-criticism, leading to a tendency to avoid taking initiatives, over-prepare or refrain from speaking up for fear that our contributions won’t be perceived as smart or pertinent enough.
Is Perfectionism All Bad?
As someone who has always embraced ambition and wanted to have a successful career, I recognise having a clear vision and defined priorities as powerful motivators. Ambition drives us to work hard and pursue our aspirations with purpose. However, there's a fine line between healthy ambition and perfectionism.
When ambition becomes perfectionism, we risk losing sight of the bigger picture. We become fixated on achieving flawless outcomes, often at the expense of making progress and being creative. It's important to recognize that sometimes, delivering and putting our work out there—even if it's not perfect—is more impactful than endlessly questioning ourselves and striving for an unattainable ideal.
This newsletter is the perfect example. I felt compelled to start writing about topics that impassion me and have occupied much of my thoughts in the last months. Despite knowing that my writing skills aren’t exceptional and my insights may not be groundbreaking, I prioritize the act of creation over perfection. My goal is to spark meaningful conversations and share ideas with individuals who are interested in the same topics. And even if no one reads it, I believe the process will boost my self-esteem and help me gain perspective.
Ultimately, the act of doing—of taking action and embracing imperfection—is far more valuable than striving for flawless perfection that may never materialize.
Can We Even Escape Perfection?
Escaping the grip of perfectionism is undoubtedly challenging, particularly in a society focused on growth and achievements. Socially prescribed perfectionism therefore seems inescapable. I want to believe however that every social change comes from individual change as that gives me more agency and control over my destiny and how I live my life. Even my astrological app seems to agree.
Recognising that society is trapping us into pursuing perfection is the first step in realising that the need to be perfect is neither our own goal, nor our fault. Shifting our perspective begins with understanding that we are conditioned to feel insecure and inadequate by a society that cares about economic growth over our well-being. By acknowledging these societal influences and accepting this reality, we can start to learn to detach ourselves from it and embrace our imperfect selves without constantly feeling the need to improve and grow. Finding acceptance and learning to follow our own path, at our own pace are key steps in overcoming perfectionism.
Reflecting on why other-oriented perfectionism seems to be less prominent than the other two types of perfectionism has led me to realize that we often show more tolerance and compassion toward our friends and family than we do toward ourselves. Perhaps we should consider extending some of that compassion to ourselves as well. I know it is easier said than done, especially being consistant about it, but looking at ourselves and our lives through the eyes of someone else can help us gain a new perspective and contribute to developing a new understanding and acceptance of ourselves.
Deciding to quit my job without a backup plan to pursue a need to take a break and figure out what would really make me happy, was my indirect experience of breaking away from the grip of perfection. Soon enough the feelings of failure, of being lost and left behind crept in. But after hearing friends calling my decision brave, I reminded myself that I indeed had been brave to choose insecurity and the unknown in an attempt to listen to my own needs and take a shot at finding what I really wanted out of life. Embracing an imperfect life is a daily practice though and requires self-awareness and careful attention to my thoughts in order to redirect negative ones toward compassion.
Being more of a big picture person than detailed-oriented, I often prioritise the end result over the process, which may have fueled my perfectionism. By valuing the result over the process, we inadvertently set high expectations on what the outcome must look like and overlook our progress and the learning experience. For instance, last year I wanted to do more manual activities and decided to try porcelain painting. I went in there fixated on replicating Pinterest-perfect designs, which completely overshadowed my intension: to do something I had never done before and let my creativity speak. Despite my plates looking more like a child’s version of my ideal Pinterest models, I came to realise that the outcome was not as important as the experience itself.
Ultimately, acceptance is not about giving up or settling—it's about letting go of unrealistic expectations and defining our own path to happiness and fulfillment. It's about prioritizing the journey of growth, learning, and self-discovery over external measures of success and perfection. By embracing imperfection, we can define for ourselves what a perfect like looks like and achieve greatness on our own terms.
Letting Go Of Perfection
In our relentless pursuit of success and perfection, the key seems to strike a balance between ambition and self-acceptance. While ambition fuels our drive and motivation, perfectionism can cloud our vision and hinder our ability to appreciate the journey.
Recognizing the various forms of perfectionism—self-oriented, socially prescribed, and other-oriented—and acknowledging societal influences are steps in understanding the anxieties that influence our behaviors. Escaping the grip of perfectionism requires a shift in perspective and a dose of self-compassion.
Letting go of perfection feels like a daunting exercice, one that requires consistent effort and personal work. What’s comforting is knowing that many of us are in the same boat, struggling with the pressure to appear perfectly put together as if we have everything figured out. However, many of us are also burned out and fed up with this status quo. It's encouraging to see increasing public conversations on this topic, which can help us understand that, despite societal pressures, perfection is unattainable. No one is perfect, and there is no such thing as a perfect life.
In the end, our pursuit shouldn’t be about achieving flawless outcomes but about striving to be our authentic selves. By reframing our mindset and prioritizing self-acceptance, we can forge a path that aligns with our values and leads to genuine fulfillment.
And in case you’re wondering, it’s been six years and I have quit my job twice but I’m still in the same city. I think it might be time for a change though :)
What is your personal experience with perfectionism? Do you have any strategies to combat it? Let us know in the comments or send me a message!
If you want to read more on the topic:
The Perfection Trap, Thomas Curran
How to be less self-critical when perfectionism is a trap, The New York Times
How to get over perfectionism, Mark Monson
The Perfectionism Pitfall: Why It Holds Women Leaders Back, Chief
The Round-Up
A curation of the most interesting resources I’ve consumed in the past 2 weeks.
📖 What I’ve read:
In this Fast Company article a CEO envisions how to implement a four-day workweek.
With hybrid work becoming the norm for many, new trends have emerged as will attest these 11 buzzwords.
How companies should embrace AI in their pursuit of growth.
What a year of rejection letters can teach us about ourselves.
🎧 What I’ve listened to:
The New Way We Work podcast: In their latest episode “Hard work isn’t (always) rewarded”, they discuss why work has never been a meritocracy.
The audiobook: The Future-Proof Career by Isabel Berwick for beginners on the topics of career or if you want a good guide on best-practices.
(for the french speakers) “La Grande Librairie” invited 5 writers to discuss our imperfect lives.
I’m eager to hear about your experiences in the workplace, how you view your career and how you see the future of work. Feel free to reach out with any suggestions, questions, or topics you'd like to explore together!
See you in two weeks!